In this weekend edition, I need to talk about sex. Yeah, I was working on a storyline in my sequel when some stuff came up that pisses me off. I get real emotional when I’m writing. So anyway, picture this: Guy calls girl, they agree to meet, they go out–or not, they smash, he goes about his business, she goes about hers, then she waits for the follow-up many of us have been conditioned to expect. It doesn’t come. Weeks later, it hasn’t come. Months, nothing. Eventually, sure enough, he gets around to making the call again. Now here is where it gets tricky. Does she allow the episode again, ignore the call, or flat out say she’s not interested?
I can hear all of you, separating into four different groups on this one. The last group wants to know why she didn’t make the call instead of waiting around for him. I’m kind of leaning there myself, but it would depend on the guy, the history, and the circumstances of the day. I can think of several scenarios in which either answer is the right one for me. I mean, was it good? In which case, why wouldn’t he call sooner? Was it awful? Did he not know it was awful, or why else would he call? Was it the first time, and I couldn’t get a good grasp of which it would be for real? And before you ask, if it was good, I would call him back. No it doesn’t matter how he would look at me. If I was just with the man, surely I could feel comfortable calling him about a redo. Plus, I participated; we have the same rights to recall as far as I’m concerned. But does any of this sound like familiar thinking?
That brings me to why do some of us want to put on airs of decency or play hard or whatever after we’ve rolled around with somebody? Get over yourself. Stop lying. All that. You allowed him into the most secret parts of you, so you now have the right to feel any way you do, and ask any questions you want. You talked to him, you told him stuff, you let him in, so you must have thought he was worthy; right? He showed some acceptable level of maturity, or you wouldn’t give him the time of day; right? Oh, maybe you should be asking yourself some other questions then.
But after the sex, the conversations that had to take place before the sex, and the conversations that take place right after the sex, if it’s going down again, who should do the follow-up, and why? Women tend to catch feelings if the guy doesn’t call. We dread it actually. It’s just not in our programming to accept the one and done scenario without at least contributing to the decision. Guys don’t seem to think about it much until the next time. If you deny them the second time, they tend to look real confused, regardless of how long it’s been. But know that they don’t dwell on it. That’s been my experience with them anyway.
Yet, women will dissect, attempt to diagnose, and waste valuable time probing into something that wasn’t that much of a big deal to the other party. It’s not always personal either; it’s about opportunity. He asked, you accepted, good day. But here’s another question: Does there have to be any follow-up at all? Again, I’ll say it depends on the guy, the history, and the circumstances at hand. Hey, I’m here to help some people readjust their thinking, or at least do some thinking about stuff we sometimes leave to chance. I mean we could argue for years about this kind of thing, and that’s fine. I’m giving you my perspective; you chime in whenever you feel it’s necessary.
For example, does size matter? I see the groups forming. If you ask me, it absolutely does; however, talent matters more. You know what you’re working with; if you need to look in your bag for some tricks, you better pull them out. Word to the wise: I respect sex; I consider it an art form, a means of expression, and worth the effort if you’re gonna be doing it. If it’s not worth my while, I don’t care what it looks like, you’re one and done, zero follow-up. Rest assured I’m bringing it from this end. Yeah. But I’ll bet you no dude ever sits around feeling self-conscious about whether his package is adequate. By the time that would come up, he done hit and rolled out, so it was good enough that day regardless. And on to the next one.
Meanwhile, you’re dimming the lights, trying to find ways to hide your belly fat, hiding under the covers and all that but still willing to go for the ride, hoping he doesn’t notice the flaws you despise. You know what he’s doing? Stripping, ready to roll, belly waves and all that. You got dimples? He does too. So? Shoot, by the time you get around to seeing that stuff, it’s a done deal and he’s either washing up or getting dressed while you wait for the chance to escape to the bathroom unseen. What are you doing, girl?
Let’s talk about the age thing. My peers and I often have discussions about the men our age and their impediments, limitations, lies about marital status, superiority, and other stuff that makes them less attractive. Well, I don’t subscribe to the notion that any of us should be limited by age constraints. I tell all my friends I have zero problem with seeing somebody younger than me. All I require at the interview stage is the ability to engage in intelligent conversation, sense of humor, physical appeal, manners, and a genuine interest in something about me–as in he listened when I was talking, and he can do more than undress me with his eyes.
After that, you need a little more substance, and quite a bit of charm, with a few other things to get you to the next level. You telling me a 30-something-year-old man can’t do that? Sure he can. Dating is supposed to be fun. Younger men can have fun. It’s also a process of elimination. Remember that. You’re not going to marry everyone you encounter, so stop treating the situation like a huge disappointment if this one doesn’t act like the man of your dreams.
Eat, drink, and be merry with this one and add to your list of “things I do not want in a relationship” while simultaneously adding to your list of “things I want in a man.” Don’t trip so much off the packaging if his interior is pulling you toward it. If you never see disasters, how will you become an expert at avoiding them? Likewise, if you never interact with new people of all kinds, how will you find the one? Don’t sleep on the younger men. They can teach you things too.
The rest of the evaluative criteria I use is proprietary information, but I’ll keep assessing them as they come, and whoever gets the pleasure should consider it a privilege. Many have tried, but the chosen are few. However, that chosen few does include a couple of one and done’s, so just cause you get in doesn’t mean you get to stay. Sometimes dudes just slack off, like the interview was the hardest part. Uh, not. This is a marathon; not a sprint, buddy.
I’m just saying, I had some stuff on my mind and then I hit a writer’s wall, so I figured this little exercise would help me get it into gear. One of my characters was trippin, and it reminded me of some conversations, and then I thought about this one guy, and this other guy, and I’m in the house on Saturday with all these kids and the white dog, and I’m just frustrated about the amount of energy withdrawals I’m making, which dwarf the deposits I see coming in here. My bad. I was doing a lot of thinking though.
Be sure to pick up one of my books today. I have lots to say about just about everything. You may even learn something. It’s worth a peek. Stop by www.Versatili-T.com and check out my other material. I swear all I do is think, then I say what other people are thinking, and they wonder how I knew. Real talk, go check it out. I’m going to find some lunch. Peace.
From the Mind of:
Tonya D. Floyd, Author
“It Is What It Is–Epiphany”
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