Good morning. I’m going through something–spinning, thinking, feeling so much these days. I’m not interested in doing much. I don’t know how to deal with all of it, so I’m quietly, prayerfully grounded in my alone time. Dormant, in many ways. I do feel the need to say a word about pruning.
Every year I see the landscapers trim this tree down to almost nothing before winter. It’s amazing how much they cut. They do it while it’s dormant, so as not to damage it during its active growth phase. And year after year, it comes back so full and gorgeous in spring. Vibrant even. Rose bushes do that too. Sometimes we as people need to be like that.
You’ve grown big and full, and beautiful. But there are troublesome pieces of foliage that have withered or branches that haven’t sprouted anything, and that growth has slowed. They’re just hanging on, and eventually it’s obvious they don’t belong. It’s bad for the rest of the plant because that dead piece limits the growth that should take place in that area. That stuff is literally in the way of progress. And it’s ugly.
While everyone was locked down, I’m sure each of us went through a reflective period, deciding how to live differently in the new normal, or just how to interact with people going forward. Surely we didn’t all just complain and do crazy bored stuff, right? We saw and seized the opportunity, right? Hopefully, some of us began something we’d been putting off or didn’t know we could.
I gotta say I’ve kept my distance. I limit who and how I touch, as well as who I communicate with from a distance. Yeah I was already selective, but now I’m just assessing relationships based on who I can and can’t live without. Pruning. I find myself often saying “I don’t want that,” as it relates to people and what they offer me. Don’t get me wrong, ain’t no whole lot of people offering me jack! But those who are often come camouflaged as good things just to get in.
I’m not sure what they want from me–my energy, my smile, my skill set, information I’ve acquired…. Maybe they just need something new to talk about and I’m just interesting enough. I know a few people who love to see me coming, and some who hate to see me coming for the same reason–because some people find me engaging and entertaining. Right, I’m the thing that breaks the monotony and gives them a few laughs for days after I’m gone. It’s not always about a funny thing I said, but often it’s about my choices, my appearance or how they assume I’m living.
I used to say: “I hate people.” Ok, I still do, but I’m doing so less often because I realize it’s about the caliber of people you surround yourself with, the value of the interaction, the maturity and loyalty of people you engage with that determine the quality of your experience with people. It’s also about what media and information you allow to permeate your space and spirit.
I tell my kids, “We don’t believe what people say; we only believe what they do. You are what you do.” So be mindful of what you’re doing and what you show others. Your intentions have zero to do with what people see and believe about you. They can’t read your heart. They only know if your actions have hurt them.
I remember when I was a “nice” person. If you’ve been following me on social media, you’ll understand that I believe “nice” is a term you’re assigned when people figure out you’re willing to take a bunch of undeserved crap from them without retaliating or responding in a negative manner. It’s what people say when they’ve taken or benefited from something you’ve provided and given absolutely nothing of value or benefit to you. Nice is what you call people you’ve offended, but they make you feel better about it instead of like the jerk you really are, and so on….
Anyway, when I was a nice person, I had this fierce loyalty, and I was super-protective of the people I loved. I would go out of my way to solve problems for them and offer my support and just help, even if it put me in a bad place I needed to recover from. I realized those people understood the depth of my affection and manipulated me into doing things they wanted or needed, fully aware that I would suffer in some way behind it, fully intent on giving me nothing I could use in return. My fault.
Every now and then the manipulators come back around, trying to share sad stories or presenting problems for us to collaborate on, or pretending to want to enjoy my company. But my value has gone up and they can’t afford my time or attention anymore. I am not a nice person.
I ask myself before every significant interaction whether there’s a benefit for me. It’s like exclusive agency in real estate; as soon as I’m sure you want something from me, I need to give you some disclosures and we need to lock down the terms of this relationship and my compensation. If there’s nothing in it for me, I got nothing for you. Be well. I’m deliberate about choosing my interaction and information, and my clients too.
I’m tired of people who do not respect or reciprocate. They sap my energy. I’m dragging at this very moment because I allowed some folks into my space, made concessions on their behalf, and they didn’t appreciate it. True, I gave what I believed was required for the situation, I stayed true to my personal and company beliefs and I’d probably play it the same way in the future.
But I still need to forgive myself for it. That’s how I process. I pick out the pieces I can take responsibility for, which gives me ownership and control. Then I work toward forgiving me so I can move on. If I can’t do any of that, I’m stuck as a victim of someone else’s actions, and there’s nothing I can do with that because I can’t understand it. Why did they do that? Why don’t they see? Without ownership, I can’t make it make sense to me. So I own some piece of it and work actively toward improving my interaction with people in the future based on that piece.
Again, it’s all so tiring. I read a meme once that said something like ‘It’s both a gift and a curse to feel everything so deeply.’ That’s it right there. I feel so much, often against my will. It consumes me at times. I scroll past articles in the news because I know they’ll resonate with me and drag me to emotional hell. Yet, I’m also completely able to rationalize, theorize, and solve problems through logic–without considering the emotional aspect of things. It ain’t easy being me.
I’m not sure how I got into this well of feelings, but I’m sure it has to do with my dormant period and the pruning process. I’m supposed to shed things which hold me back so I can bloom when my season comes. I’m okay with that. I respect that. See you when I see you. Peace. ✌🏾❤
From the Mind of Tonya D Floyd