I saw a post on IG this morning. It said, “Control your emotions doesn’t mean avoid your emotions. Feel your shit, understand your shit, but don’t lose your shit.” I think about this all the time. It’s been a constant struggle for me, because people actually want you to repress everything, work through this and that, and never actually release your anger or frustration in their direction. People act like you’re healthy if you never show emotion other than occasional joy or sadness or disappointment when the situation calls for those. Yes, your emotional state is censored, and heavily monitored by others for their comfort levels.
My family specializes in anger. It’s our default setting. There are several variations on anger like irritation, agitation, annoyance, etc. I have it. My kids have it. My grandsons have it too. Yup, already. But I’ve been training for this since the 90s. I’ve used a combination of therapy and frequent Bible study to mitigate mine, so I’ve gotten good at seeing it early and helping us process it without ALL the potential explosions. I gotta admit though, a phrase I hate that’s used way too often: “It’s not that serious.” Still sets me on fi-yerrrr (fire), because now you’re minimizing me and my feelings. You don’t know what I had to go through to keep my composure. It was an entire ordeal. And I spared you. Get thee behind me before I destroy you and gotta repent.
I have learned that if you’re really good at understanding and managing your feelings, people generally label you the bad guy. It’s like if you aren’t messy and spewing emotions everywhere, they can’t excuse you as being upset or overwhelmed. They think you’re calculating when you appear calm. You understand your feelings. You manage your expression and practice restraint until you finally show somebody how fed up you are with their shit, but you look so deliberate, now you must be evil.
I mean, a healthy part of processing the anger is directing it somewhere, like when energy or steam builds up and can no longer be contained, either it blows, or you find a way to redirect some of it, relieve the pressure somewhere, etc. But when people are the cause, they rarely go elsewhere or back down until you simmer down. Sometimes you gotta give it to them.
I gotta tell y’all, I can relate to a lot of so-called bad guys. Definitely in film and books. You eventually get to see the back story, the evolution of the character, and THEN people maybe have compassion for them. Like Erik/Magneto (XMen). Family man, living off the land, wasn’t bothering nobody, until…. But all before that storyline broke, it was, “he’s the bad guy.” Get the bad guy. Lock em up. Kill em. No redemption. Quite a few of these so-called antagonists are actually just people with stories, who reached a point where they had enough of other people’s bullshit and they made a statement or two. I’m talking about the ones who RESPONDED to actions or events, not the ones who went out looking to cause harm or wreak havoc.
Art imitates life. Everybody has a back story or a why they went into seclusion, or why they avoid family events, or certain relatives, or dislike certain people, or can’t forgive whomever. Everybody has a breaking point. Everybody has an instinct toward self-preservation, and that could send them into fight mode, rather than flight mode. Now you’re the victim because they’re coming for you? Nah. I tend to identify with the so-called “bad guy.” I’ve been so sharp with my emotional regulation and understanding why I feel whatever, I rarely lose my shit. But when I do, it’s precise, strategic, logical, and you totally asked for it.
I’ve been misunderstood. I’ve been baited. I’ve been called mean and surly, nasty, evil, accused of psychological abuse. 🤷🏾♀️ Why you trippin? It’s not that serious, right? Brush that shit off. 😂🤣😂 We are not gonna keep playing with Tonya D Floyd and her descendants. Leave us alone.
From the Mind of Tonya D Floyd–Author, Real Estate Professional and Lifestyle Consultant