Today’s conundrum has to do with the thin line I believe exists between being ungrateful for what I have and wanting more … everything really. I sit in my living room, sipping tea almost daily, and give thanks for how far I’ve come–in all aspects. My physical surroundings have changed drastically since 2005 when I stepped away from everything I thought would make me complete. Even since we moved to this house in 2009, every surface, in every room has changed for the better. We put blood, sweat, tears, elbow grease and love into the outside too. But still, I want more. I see flaws and opportunities for improvement all around. Does that make me ungrateful?
In my personal life, I see and thank God for growth, perspective, belief, optimism, passion, purpose, and even trials because of how they will improve the quality of my life and relationship with Him. Yet, I want success from my writing, an expanded audience, opportunities to be seen and heard on a larger scale–and more zeros in my bank account so I can create opportunities for young people and creative thinkers like me. It really takes one to know one. Am I ungrateful?
I’m just saying, I struggle often with this because though I have what I need, things get tight and I want to be able to stretch. I have to make tough choices sometimes about what I can do now and what will have to wait until … whenever. I know most of us are working-class, but I don’t want to stay there. I want to be where I don’t need a whole year to plan a simple vacation, I can hop a plane to an inspirational place and just write about what lives on the other side of the world. What does the French countryside look like? How’s the food? I want to blog about it, write a romantic scene in a novel, or live one!
I want to show my children that the world is not within the beltway, and 80 hours a week is not a guaranteed way to their future. I need to show them how I know they can do better–if they weren’t confined to this space and the common thinking around them. But today I can’t. And that makes me reach for more, claw at it. They wonder why I stay frustrated and short-tempered, and they want me to shut up, but I get that way because of what I cannot do today, for them and for me. I see them eyeing what “reality tv” and the internet say is status to be desired, and I’m offended, because we’re better than that. It’s not about what you can get by selling your soul to the industry; it’s about how you apply yourself to a passionate pursuit that will earn you the money you need to live a lifestyle of choice. The difference is that you control much of your destiny in the latter, whereas the former route makes you a slave.
Am I ungrateful for seeing beyond my current circumstances, wanting more than I ever had, or reaching out of my comfort zone so my children will know more beauty, opportunity, and culture? If we all go far, far away, experience new things, and come right back to DC, it will still be all good with me because at least we gave the rest of the world a shot. And we won’t come back empty-handed because the trip will have taught us so much about … everything–who we are, what we love, what else is out there, what we need and where we are needed.
So much to do, so much to learn, so much to see. I doubt if I’m just being ungrateful.
From the Mind of: Tonya D. Floyd
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