About seven years ago, I went through a transition. It was huge; my whole way of life changed, and I wasn’t sure how I would end up. So as sort of therapy for myself, I started writing down these thoughts as they would come to me, and they grew into what you now know as Timeless Thoughts & Words of Wisdom From the Mind of Tonya D. Floyd, Volumes 1 and 2. Last night, as I was talking to someone about her situation, I was reminded of a thought I came up with during my healing period. In Volume 2, thought #30 I wrote:
I was thinking, a lot of times when a relationship goes bad, the first thing some of us want to know is “what’s wrong with me?” Sure, you talk yourself out of being the problem at some point, but you will wonder where you’re inadequate compared to whatever has your mate’s attention. But what if it’s not a deficit?
What if it’s just that you shine so brightly, you bring out the other person’s flaws to the point where they avoid you to avoid the mirror? Or that you are so good, flexible and knowledgeable in so many areas, you make them feel inadequate in some way when they thought they were pretty impressive? What if you impress the people they respect the most?
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could just complement (you know, blend with) each other and fill in the blanks? Wow. In a perfect world, I guess.
Who knew I had hit the nail on the head?! Not me; it was just an idea then. But I gotta tell you it’s real. Think about this in real terms–you know you’re to be desired; people tell you all the time how attractive you are. You know you’re loyal, truthful, giving, loving, forgiving, tolerant, accepting of people’s flaws, and can thrive in a committed relationship. You’re the package deal. You handle your business, and you were good to him or her. But yet, this thing fell apart, and they blamed you. You were never…you could never…you didn’t…you said…you did…you just didn’t understand…. You were simply inadequate in some way, and no matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t meet their standard for whatever.
But the truth is in areas you probably never give a second thought to, you made them look a little shorter, a little more petty, a little more flawed by the day. You exposed their ugliness without even trying. Think about it. You make more money, but even though you don’t flaunt that for everybody to know, it’s obvious when you’re out with friends and you pull out the card to pay every time. But it would be insulting if you got the cash in advance and let them pay for show. So they’re mad either way; it’s your fault of course. Or you are so outgoing and friendly with people everywhere that they love to see you coming, and it’s like “Oh, I see you brought so-and-so,” because they act like it’s a chore to be around “your people.” How about the mate who doesn’t ever want to go anywhere or do anything with you, but hates it when you go out or travel and leave them at home? You feel me?
Whatever your brand of ball and chain, you just go on being you, and you continue to love them despite it all because that’s just how you are. And even that pisses them off. How dare you forgive them for being that way! How dare you keep it moving! How dare you smile like that! Just how dare you, with your superior self! It’s kind of funny when you think about it, but it’s also kind of sad. They can’t stand you, even though all your good qualities attracted them to you in the first place, because the light keeps on shining their way, exposing the ugly all over. Instead of taking a good close look and adjusting themselves, they blame you, because the alternative would be way too hard to do.
Add to personality flaws the state of the world today, the upside-down economy, the way black men in society are viewed, the abuse people put on each other, the limited opportunities available compared to in the past, the fact that women do make more these days, and the fact that men are more sensitive in some areas (money, power, freedom to do) than they let on–and we have a huge problem in many homes. Whether you’re the woman giving your man a hard time because you’re bringing home the bacon, or the man who has fallen from where he once was, and feeling some kind of way because your woman has to help out more–even if she isn’t complaining, things are out of balance, and it shows.
Of course, there are many variations to this same story of darkness and light, but the result is the same in most cases–people break up, and one or both usually find a replacement. But the beauty in it is–and I haven’t done a statistical study or anything, but I have noticed in the cases I’ve seen–the ugly ones usually find someone who can’t hold a candle to the one they let get away. Prove me wrong, and tell me about it. But I’m sticking to my story until then. They get some low-class, hard on the eyes, submissive, passive, very accommodating person who only wants to please him/her, or a beautiful box full of nothing, because they clearly feel superior and that’s the only way they can survive as they are. I dare you to prove me wrong.
Meanwhile, if you haven’t found anybody yet, don’t sweat it. I have learned that after leaving situations like that, we need time to heal, regroup, and remind ourselves of all that we offer, then we attract those worthy of such a package. You can’t do it when you’re down, because you’re not emitting the proper vibes, so a bunch of headaches is all you’ll get. Just wait, while you work on getting your power back, then go back in. And when you see those losers, smile your brightest smile, knowing that you just got helped out of a bad situation, and you have nowhere to go but up. Trust me; they are not gonna have it easy because God don’t like ugly. Ya heard it here.
From the Mind of:
Tonya D. Floyd, Author/Owner
Versatili-T Creations LLC
www.Versatili-T.com