Someone once said pain and pleasure are the ultimate motivators. Well, you know me–let’s go deeper. Behind pleasure and pain, or maybe right beside them are want and need. Even before you engage in something pleasurable or encounter a painful stimulus, your basic existence is fueled by having what you need and getting what you want. People chase business opportunities because they want money and success; maybe they long to enjoy more costly or more exclusive pleasures. They chase sex for so many different reasons, some beyond the momentary pleasure. Can we agree that want and need can sometimes be used interchangeably? Like you want something so badly, or for so long, you fixate on it, and it becomes mandatory that you do something about that jones or lose your mind. It has crossed over into need territory; you can’t resume normal operations without it. Right. You crave it. You will do anything to get it. Follow me now, see….
So I was thinking, there’s this guy–well, there are actually several guys with the same story–he’s not the most consistent, so I’m already under the notion that he doesn’t take me seriously. We’ve had the conversations–and I say that plural because we’ve talked about what I want from a relationship in depth, in different ways, and from every angle, and you know I’ve done shows about it too. Most of the time, he doesn’t have a list to share with me (clue #1). So yeah, we’ve had the conversations and I’ve made it clear that I NEED a consistent, enlightening, stimulating, fun, romantic, sexual, sometimes spontaneous, chivalrous experience with a man who looks forward to spending time with me, who misses me when I’m gone, and who seeks ways to renew our experiences together–making the most of what we have. I WANT him to be smokin’ hot, caked up, and at my beckoned call. Seriously, for best results, give me all that and I’m learning new tricks and shutting up sometimes and all that. Yes, I would prefer to have what I need and want simultaneously, from the one candidate, but the realist in me will settle for what I need and work with the other parts. Yep, I said settle for what I need–I can absolutely see myself with a man who is not exactly model material, with a modest income and responsibilities which won’t allow him to drop life and come see what I want, as long as he is covering those important bases. Okay, what I’ve been getting is consistently inconsistent. So you know what I’m giving; right?
On one hand, guys will appear to listen, then after the first date it becomes obvious they want to be sexual a few times a year, as evidenced by the occasional message checking on how I’m doing, and invitations to have movie night at my house, or setting up dates I never go on because they cancel, followed by their invitations to visit my house for drinks or something more direct (another clue). Really dude? Really? Now I want you to go away. On the other hand, some guys take me out like we’re buddies and while we have a lovely and fun time, it almost feels clinical because the stink of “she’s not my woman” is in the air and in his body language so anybody he may know doesn’t get the wrong idea (screaming he’s got a woman clue). You know, we can sit across from each other, or on adjacent bar stools, but it’s always in a place with TV’s and its all business–eat, drink, watch the game, laugh, talk, leave. Okay, if you treat me like I’m your cousin inside, I’m gonna act like your cousin when we get outside, and in the car, all the way back to my house. These days, it’s all the way back to my car, cause I’m meeting you there if they have TV’s. It obviously aint that type of party if we never go anywhere that requires me to wear a cute dress, pumps, or at least my best top (yet another clue). Right. Meet you there; thanks for the meal. Holla. Then afterward, they text me wondering why I’m not showing more interest (so the other girls have low self-esteem clue). Well that just sealed the deal for you buddy. You’re either extremely selfish or you don’t listen, you failed Romance & Chivalry 101, and you have zero interest in pleasuring me in a way I can appreciate. Pass. If I ever get that bored and lonely, well, not even then. Pass. I want you to forget my number.
But back to my original point–want and need are the strongest of motivators for behavior. I want and need fulfillment on a physical level for sure. However, stronger than my physical needs are my intellectual ones and my emotional ones. Yes, for every time I feel an overwhelming urge to be physical with whomever, I have like 25 full days of need to have stimulating conversation and feel wanted by someone special. I want to interact, exchange ideas, absorb new information, and be complemented by a willing partner. I need to feel loved, appreciated, understood, and accepted. All that goes way beyond just wanting to be pleasured physically or avoiding the pain of loneliness using the male attached to the appendage for 20 minutes at a time. Get over yourself dude. It’s like Eddie Kane said, “You can’t get it, cause you aint got it.” If you leave me wanting, I want you to stay gone.
The whole cheating conversation keeps coming up in conversation around me too, so I keep telling folks the same thing: People cheat to fill a void or multiple voids. They want something you’re not giving, they need something you are incapable of providing, and either way, there’s only so much working out a person can do to keep their mind off bad stuff. You can’t even prevent a lot of the cheating that goes on, because it’s so personal to the person doing it. Wants change every time we see something appealing to us; needs change as we grow and learn. Can you keep up with that? I’m sure there are decent folks out here who would appreciate the effort to keep up and reward you with their loyalty, but every now and then, you will lose.
That brings me to this partnership thing. I read something recently that said people enter relationships for what they can get rather than what they can bring, and that’s why most of them fail. I agree, (after I just put my list of wants on the table right here) but with a caveat. Someone with a real desire for partnership will bring their best package to the table and leave it on the auction block waiting for the best possible offer before they release it. Nobody wants to feel cheated or work for something that won’t reward them, especially if they know they have a top-of-the-line luxury package. Even in a situation where a person is looking to add to a relationship, there must be reward and fulfillment in areas where they specifically have voids.
As a partner, you would be wise to seek ways to enhance your package to include these new needs, growing with the relationship. I think that’s where the breakdown really occurs–you start out okay, willing to give what they wanted at that point, then someone evolves and the other person does not. The resulting imbalance makes for lonely nights, stressful days, and angry conversation. Seriously, this is shared air we’re talking about under the most intimate of circumstances. We get real sensitive about these things close to our hearts, as we should. It takes so much time, investment, opening up; it’s like open heart surgery in a sterile environment–you need to get this right.
All that said, I have learned that dating, courtship, weeding out, auditioning, or whatever you want to call it, is an exhausting process, full of disappointments, frustration, temptation, deception, and many other undesirables; makes me wanna scream some days. But when you find the one, your pleasure increases exponentially, your needs grow to include that person and his or her needs, your wants almost always include this person, and the pain you felt is all of a sudden worth it. It’s the highest of highs when you finally reach euphoria. By the same token, if this thing you have or you think you have doesn’t feel like that, it’s not the one. Don’t be so determined to hold on to it just for the sake of having something, using all your energy to be there, because you need that space to accept the one that’s coming. Stay open. If it leaves you wanting, that’s not the one.
From the Mind of:
Tonya D. Floyd
Author, Host of Signature Moves
www.Versatili-T.com
www.spreaker.com/user/versatili-tcreations