It hit me like a shock from a defibrillator just now. He would never do those things for me because I didn’t require him to. Steve Harvey had this one concept in the movie that I wasn’t really willing to agree with about “requiring” a man to do whatever, but I so get it now! I was all like “you can’t make a man do jack if it’s not his idea too,” and “everybody knows you can’t change a man.” That’s still true, but I was missing the point. It’s about how you value yourself, and what you require of those you would give it all to. Years ago Dr. Phil said something in his book about currency–offering somebody what they value in order to get what you want, or using that as leverage. When they get the idea that they will lose what they want most, the behavior changes; it works in the reverse too. When they see the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, they go for it.
Okay, let’s pause right here and say that it is NOT ALWAYS ABOUT SEX. Men want more than just that, if you’ve never heard me say it before. And that’s everywhere these days anyway; be more creative. Continuing on, this applies to men and women, but the trick is it all depends on where he or she is in their life at that point–be it emotional, financial, sexual, or otherwise, the need can change at any given time because of circumstance. One day he or she may need a strong partner to help pay bills, or raise kids, or cook dinner five nights a week or whatever. If you’re providing that, he/she is more likely to give you what you require to maintain a certain level of satisfaction. If you should withdraw from doing such things, he/she will no doubt notice, and will probably try to win that back too. But needs change over time, so you have to stay up on your currency. What do you really have to offer, and does this person value that? How do they show you?
Okay, I may be confusing it more than explaining it, but let’s use me for example. Once upon a time I was involved with this guy, and I wanted him to do certain things for me. He didn’t want to, so he didn’t. And I didn’t press the issue, because if he loved me, he just would. End of story; right? Wrong. Behind the scenes what happened was when I used my powers for good (took the high road and didn’t make a big deal out of it), and forgave him for being that way, what that did was reinforced the idea that he would be forgiven for whatever, because I let that really big thing go. He tested the theory many times, and each time I used my “it’s not that serious, people are people, and if I really need anything I’ll get it done myself” attitude. Compounding the problem was what I was doing. My can-do attitude, and my good nature have been shooting me in the foot for years, and I didn’t see it–then.
Look, some people have this keen sense of something that allows them to target other people and extract from them whatever they want. Opportunists is what they’re called. They can make the best out of almost any situation, because they know how to find what they need, period. Now, add to that scenario the good, loving, giving and forgiving nature some of us have, and you have a relationship where one person will always be satisfied, and one person who will eventually realize he or she is not, at which point he or she will end the relationship with a heavy heart and way too much emotional baggage they didn’t realize was self-inflicted. That sucks! But it is what it is.
So at this point it’s decision time–do you stay true to who you are, and hopefully find that one diamond in the rough who can see you, appreciate you, love you for being that wonderful human being, and reciprocate? Or do you work on your game and get in there with the opportunists who REQUIRE you to forgive them for their mess in order to be in a relationship with you? See how that works? They use your goodness against you, and for their benefit, because they know you love them, and you believe in forgiveness. But will they ever really give you what you want, even if you use currency?
Anyway, that was a trick question; you shouldn’t have to sacrifice who you are to be with anybody–least of all manipulators who are all about what they want. Pay attention. You deserve someone who can reciprocate, or even go first. You deserve someone who will treasure your good qualities, value them, as currency, and lock them away where nobody else can get to them. You deserve someone who will secure you and dare anyone who threatens what they have.
That said, here are some tips I’ve thought of to help you (us) along. First, decide what you absolutely REQUIRE from this relationship in order to give it your all. Start with your basics and incorporate this person’s specific qualities that can get it done. Second, hold out. Assess what you see, and determine if you’re on course for where you wanna be. Be honest about who you see before you. Third, talk about it. I assure you this is legal; in the beginning is negotiation time. You have the right to discuss expectations. Put your feet in the water, and refuse to get your hair wet–until you’re sure. And let them know that’s what you’re doing; don’t beat around the bush. You see what I’m bringing; I need what I need. You in or out? Ante up, dude, or the vault is locked. Then you let them digest it and see what they come up with. If it’s not right, fold. What have you lost by letting that one go? A heavy heart and baggage. Don’t give your all until they’ve earned it.
I do have to say that even in good relationships, currency comes into play; it’s just a little different. Not that I’ve successfully carried this out, but I’ve seen them work. You’ve seen them too; the couples who make you feel like you wish you could have that kind of bond with somebody. The mutual love and respect they have for each other is irrefutable. The energy they give off is just great. But that’s because they do for each other, and they love it. He buys her a trinket, because that particular smile means something good for him too. She takes him on a nice date, because he likes it, and that makes her feel good.
Do you see it now? Requiring certain things of your partner, or using currency is not about making somebody do what they don’t want to every time simply for your benefit, but it’s about each person putting their best foot forward for the good of the relationship–for both. If you only do it for me because you want something from me, I don’t want it. That’s not a relationship. But if the person I am inspires you to do something for me, I’m all for it. Likewise, I will consistently look for ways to make you smile, because you’re worth it.
I used to wonder why I couldn’t inspire certain changes in a certain somebody, but others have. I realized today that it wasn’t change at all; he’s still the same opportunistic, manipulative guy he’s always been. He’s getting what he needs, so he’s giving enough of what they want to get to where he’s trying to go. I gave all that I had, but I didn’t require much of him because I was self-sufficient, and I acceped him as-is. He didn’t offer me anything additional, because he just wasn’t worthy. Everybody wants something, plain and simple. The thing is…what’s your motivation? What’s your bottom line? Are you all about the team? Or are you all about you?
Life is funny. But hey, it’s educational too. The answers do eventually come. Keep all your eyes and your ears open. Oh, and keep your arms open too. When good stuff comes, embrace it.
From the mind of:
Tonya D. Floyd, Author
Versatili-T Creations LLC
www.Versatili-T.com