Today’s thought comes with an excerpt from one of my novels. I chose this piece because of the letter on the Steve Harvey Show this morning, and how often we miss the subtle and excuse the not-so-subtle signs of abuse, but never call it what it is–abuse. And the thing is nobody said these people had to be men, or someone you’re involved with–it can be anybody in your personal space, making you feel in any way disparaged and defeated. From The Sun Hasn’t Set:
It amazed Lisa how she could be involved in an abusive relationship and not even realize it. It was likely disguised because no physical abuse was happening. But the mental torture she endured was just as damaging, if not more so. The subtle way a man can make you feel insecure, by simply creating a flaw for you to focus on; the way a man can make you feel worthless by treating you as if you no longer mean anything to him, and nobody else would want you either; the way a man can make you feel unloved by talking down to you, in a way you would never see him talk to his pet; the way a man can make you feel unintelligent by ignoring everything you say, refusing your input, or even the way he calls you dumb, or stupid, or idiot; the way a man can make you feel unattractive by telling you to change everything about yourself to suit him, or by choosing to be with others and rubbing it in your face—all forms of abuse, and signs that you should run.
Lisa saw every one of these signs clearly after the fact, but while she was in the relationship, they just seemed like opportunities for her to be better, to do better. She was eager to please her man, and thought that doing so would make her happy. Tony’s words came back to her loud and clear: “When you left, I was presented with a set of options I didn’t have before.” And he did explore them all….
Sometimes we’re so busy allowing people to be who they are, waiting for the big change everyone EVENTUALLY goes through, we forget that while we’re waiting, we’re losing out on valuable time we could be using on our own development, or on someone else who’s relying on us. I get having faith, and knowing people can change, but why let them do it on your time, in your space? How about you put some separation between you and see if that happens over there? If it doesn’t, look how much you’ve accomplished by the next time you look around and take inventory. I’m just saying, it doesn’t always work out. The voices will probably call you a failure, or make you feel like you’ve lost the possibility of something, but don’t listen to that. I posted in my status on Facebook yesterday: “How do you know if someone belongs in your life, or has value? Imagine them gone. Now what do you miss about them? What do you not miss at all? If you had the chance to change anything about yourself to make them stay, would you do it? If you answered yes to that last question, you should get started on that right away.”
It doesn’t always work out. You’ll feel some kinda way about that because it’s still a loss, but if you did your due diligence before you severed ties, you know it’s for the best. Grief is a process; let it take its course, respect it, take it one day at a time. The sun will rise again, regardless. I’m actually remembering like 3-4 Signature Moves episodes I did that walk you through the steps to recovery from all kinds of losses like this. You should go check them out. Overcoming Failure & Disappointment, I Think He’s Cheating On Me, Woman! Built for Endurance, and there are others filled with real solutions for people with real issues. You remember where I get my information, right? Yeah, up close and personal, in living color, right in my own back yard, and all up in my face. Here’s that link again: www.spreaker.com/user/versatili-tcreations; there’s a world of good information in there.
From the Mind of:
Tonya D. Floyd
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