I’m talking green as in new, inexperienced, trying to break into a place you know you belong, but have no idea how to get there from where you are now. Yeah, yeah I’m always a promoter of bigger, better things on the horizon, and “the future is yours to mold” type energy, but every now and then even I struggle with reality, frustration, disappointment, and other monsters that suck the life out of a normal person. Hey, I’m entitled. It aint easy being me either. If you had to walk a few blocks in these shoes, you’d be ready to give those suckers back–even if you had a map.
Here I am trying to get a business off the ground, establish my brand, shoot my name from a cannon across the country, write books, re-write another, raise kids, support a household, steal a vacation to clear my head, while maintaining my positive outlook on life. You don’t know the half of it, but I usually don’t complain because what’s for me is for me. Then this morning I felt like somebody needed to know that it’s not always peachy, and regardless of who’s posting encouragement on the internet, or what you read in a book, or what smiley face you see on TV, some days the dream seems bigger than you can handle. Like right now; I should be transferring some of the ideas in my head onto the page, bringing my characters to life through the drama I dreamed up for them, but instead I’m putting a dent in my side of the bed. I mean I am writing this blog entry, so it’s not all gone to hell, but realistically speaking, I aint doing nothing. I need to regroup.
Somebody asked me today if I had a plan. Well, yes I did. I knew right off that I would need a literary agent, because they’re the ones trained to get authors the real deals and dough. So I wrote a bunch of letters that felt like begging strangers to give me a chance. Okay, that’s exactly the point of it, but it didn’t sit well with me at all when they didn’t even bother to reply. What? Do they know who I am? Uh, no. That’s the whole point. Then I decided that I couldn’t sit on Nothing New Under the Sun until somebody was ready to take me on as a client, so I published it myself. It was real easy, but the few hundred copies I sold just weren’t enough, and the chain reaction I had hoped for stopped. Or maybe it’s fizzled out and needs rekindling, but the disappointment is real.
Not one to be defeated, I started something else, and another something else, and I published the Timeless Thoughts pair. The fact is you’d have to know me to even care what I think, so then I began work on the sequel because those who had read Nothing New asked for it. Okay, that was encouraging too, but as I write it, I can’t help but feel the same thing will likely happen because I still don’t have that agent, and my name is not a household item…yet. So I guess I’m dragging my feet a little. It has to be great–it just has to be. Thus, the anxiety attack I’m probably having right now. It’s a lot of pressure knowing you have something really good, but not knowing how in the world you’ll get it to the right people for the right result. It aint easy being green.
Add to that bundle my social dysfunction, my reclusive tendencies, the one income in my household, the dead-end day job, and you have a pretty good idea of what a rut looks like. Sigh…I had such high hopes for me, and my abilities. Sometimes I feel like maybe I should be content with what I have, like other people. They go to work, come home, they eat regularly, travel occasionally, pay bills, and go to bed and get up and do it again. Wait, that doesn’t sound like me at all. Nevermind; that’ll never work. See the stuff I go through? Arguing with myself, debating what’s not even up for debate, and giving myself a migraine. What is this madness?! Lunacy; that’s what this is, plain and simple.
So you see, this is a typical day in my head. This particular dizzy ride put me on the bench, until I come up with some new ideas, or until I draft up another bunch of begging letters, in search of representation. I’m sure my Hater Nation is enjoying this, but I can’t let that bother me much because just like they follow me to see how many times I fall, there are people out there who follow me just to see how often I get up, and how I will use it to encourage them–and me. That’s what I do. And just as quickly as the thought of my haters crossed my mind, another thought crossed right behind it–my talent is God-given, so apparently there’s a plan that goes with it. I’m gonna sit here in this dent and ask which way to go next. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do. Even the greatest assets can’t always be in the game; Jordan spent some time on the bench too, rehydrating and reenergizing. I guess this one is to be continued….
From the mind of:
Tonya D. Floyd, Author/Owner
Versatili-T Creations LLC
www.Versatili-T.com