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Introduction
Diary. It pretty much ensures that many sentences will begin with “I.” That’s kind of refreshing, actually. Normally, I avoid it and try to be inclusive and politically correct in my writing, using “we” or “people” or “some” or “many.” But this time, it’s all about me. Last time I wrote about me in great detail was terrifying, after the fact.
But Sometimes There’s More was the name of my second book. It had its 7-year publishing run, and I let it go out of print because I realized I had given away too much of myself without donning the proper armor. I wasn’t aware how many people had daggers at my back. I had lovingly included those who meant me harm, and who never actually belonged in my life, my story.
Learning and processing that was very painful, but very necessary. I had to shed some illusions and face the mirror, so to speak. I needed to figure out what was so good and so bad about me. What did I need to change to fit in, to be loved the way I know I deserve to be loved? Why couldn’t people respond to me the way I wanted them to? Like really, why couldn’t I just freaking be happy?! I’m not a bad person.
Over the years, I’ve taken an introspective tour, searching for those answers. With prayer, research, honesty, and a serious look at what I want out of life for myself, I realized I had simply been trying to live up to a false ideal. I tried to be more like people I admired. I sought to be what my loved ones said they needed. I did what I thought was required of me as a mother, a wife, a daughter, stepdaughter, sister, friend, employee, etc. And I failed at all of it.
I rebelled against every role in large and small ways because it wasn’t for me. I know you’re thinking that’s so selfish, but it’s not. For you to give of yourself freely, it must come from a place of understanding, acceptance, peace, and unconditional love. That starts with self-love and acceptance. It’s something like Thor’s mother said to him in Avengers: Endgame. She told him to ‘be who you were meant to be, not who you think you’re supposed to be.’ You gotta love yourself first, last, always for any of your other relationships to work. That requires complete honesty. How can you endorse a product you don’t fully believe in and support?
I write this book knowing it’s just me—unattached, singular, loved, and accepted by me. That’s the most important relationship I’ll ever have from this point on. It’s amazing what time can do. This year I’ll be 50 years old, and I feel so free! It’s about damn time.